Category Archives: Matching

The last days as non-parents

Since the matching panel, we have been on full speed. My beloved painted the LO’s room, we bought various baby things and family and friends have been really generous with giving us loads of things. We had a great party to celebrate and everyone was really happy for us. We have been walking on clouds and it doesn’t feel real at all.

As time gets closer, we are also doing things that we know we can’t do for much longer such as going out to eat at nice restaurants, seeing friends on a whim, going out in general at night. My beloved had gone out the other night and I really enjoyed my time at home on my own. Maybe it was because I knew out was one of my last nights where I could do what I liked and I wasn’t responsible for a little one. My life is going to change and a part of me is mourning the loss of my life now but it is going to be replaced by a new life filled with joy and new challenges and the thought of LO being in my life far outweighs the loss of my old life.

It is funny how friends have become teary when they heard that lo will be our daughter and that myself and my beloved haven’t become teary at all. Maybe it’s because they have witnessed our long struggle and it’s finally coming to fruition and that we haven’t really because we are in it. Only a few more days now until introductions start!

Matching panel

So judgement day arrived. We ensured that we had everything we needed (the prep things we did for LO and all the reports in case we wanted to read them on the way). On the train, my beloved tried to speak to me but I couldn’t reply as I was too nervous and my stomach was in knots. We got to the place in time and Denise was running late. Luckily, the panel was running late so we waited in a room with LO’s social worker, the family finder and finally Denise.

All the social workers were called in to discuss the match with the panel without us and they took in our preparation things to show. They were then going to call us in. It felt like an eternity but finally, the social workers came out and the Chair of the panel came out to introduce himself. He was very friendly and put us at ease. He also told us what was going to happen and how many questions they had for us. We then followed him in and like the approval panel, there was a panel of people in one room, all facing us. They introduced themselves and then asked us our questions. We answered them the best we could. The questions weren’t very hard but you never know how well you did until later. We were then asked to leave whilst they took a vote and we would then be called in. It was a horrible time waiting for people to decide our future. However, we were called back in and as we went in I realised that we were on the threshold of a life-changing moment. When we got back into the room, we got a resounding yes! We were so relieved! We were a bit dazed as we left and then had an hour meeting about what would happen next. Afterwards, we text everyone our good news and everyone was very happy for us.

I thought we would be going out to celebrate but I was very tired as all that stress and nerves had left my body! It is so odd to know that we are going to be parents!

Preparation for meeting the LO

After our most amazing day, we have let ourselves get a little more excited about LO. We’ve been showing photos to family and close friends. We are now getting the room ready for LO and getting some things ready before the matching panel.

Denise told us to laminate A4 photos of our faces (clear ones) so they can be put around for LO to see at the foster carers’ house. We have also created a talking book so when she opens the flaps, she sees a photo of us/me/my beloved and hears our voices. We have also worn t-shirts so LO can smell us. We also created a family book with pictures of us and each room of the house. In each photo, we have a cuddly toy somewhere in the photo and when we get to meet her, we take this cuddly toy with us to give to her. We have also slept with this toy so it smells of us. This is all so LO will transition easier and we are familiar to hear by the time we meet her. I can’t wait!

It’s difficult to remember that it is one step at a time and we now have to wait for matching panel. Waiting is horrible so the only way to pass the time quicker is to get our house in order. So painting, reading, toy/equipment scrounging (asking friends and family for baby things) and baby-proofing the house are all in order!

An amazing day

We went to meet the foster carer and the medical advisor for LO today. We set off early to ensure that we made it on time. Denise didn’t make it as she text and said she was ‘delayed’ so we went on our own. We met the foster carers, their link worker and the family finder. LO was in the next room being looked after by someone in the office as they didn’t have anyone to look after her! The family finder asked if we wanted to meet LO after the meeting as it must be strange knowing she is in the next room! It was left undecided until the end of the meeting. The meeting went well. We felt sorry for the foster carers as this was their first placement and we could see that it was emotionally difficult for them. However, they wanted the best for the LO so they put on a brave face and told us all about her. They talked about her routines, her likes and dislikes and other things like that. We asked questions and they were very forthcoming in their answers. They gave us photos to keep. After the meeting, they asked if we wanted to meet LO and we said yes!

It was so very exciting. LO was carried in and then given to my beloved! She sat on my beloved’s knee and they had a little interaction in which LO made a cooing noise and my beloved copied her and LO cooed back again. She was a little bit restless so my beloved put her down on the ground and helped her stand (we knew she could do this beforehand). She took a few steps and was very relaxed and not anxious at all which was reassuring. She was extremely adorable and it was very strange meeting our future daughter!

We were still reeling when we said goodbyes to go and meet the medical advisor. Denise met us at the hospital and apologised for being late (she had forgot to take her train tickets so had to go back home to get them!). The medical advisor talked about LO’s health and development and the potential outcomes. It was good to hear about what could happen and being aware of it but also not to get too over-anxious about it. This medical advisor was so much nicer than the last one we had seen!

After the meeting, we had lunch, walked around the town and then got the train back home. On the way home, we saw a perfect double rainbow. It was like the world was saying ‘yes, this is an amazing day’.

 

Proven wrong

Well after my negative social worker bashing, it seems I was proven wrong. LO’s family finder has indeed done her paperwork and asked us to fill in a section. She still wants us to go to panel within the month! A couple days later, we have a provisional date to meet the foster carer and medical advisor and received reports from the foster carer and medical advisor. It seems like it’s really happening and my beloved is getting quite excited. I have had to refrain her from buying furniture! I don’t know, for me, I’m not getting excited at all. I think that after last time, I am self-preserving myself. I can’t believe that it is happening. Maybe I can’t let myself believe that it is happening as it was very emotionally difficult when the last match fell through. I think that maybe when it is nearer the time, I will get more excited. It is so strange to think that I may have a child soon!

LO medical

So since we’ve made our decision, things have moved on at a snail’s pace. The medical advisor finally met with LO (I don’t know why it wasn’t done earlier. Her first and only medical was conducted when she was 6 weeks old and now she’s 8 months…) and we didn’t hear anything. I talked to Denise on the Friday after the medical for an update and she was going to talk to LO’s social worker on the Monday. 5 days after LO’s medical, Denise forwarded an email that she had received on the actual day of the medical, but she had forgotten to send it! I understand things can slipped someone’s mind but we had talked during this time and surely she would have remembered then? I understand that this is just a job to Denise but this is our future child we are talking about and it seems that Denise has no idea what it feels like to be on tender hooks all the time. I must stay positive. At least LO didn’t have any serious concerns as far as I’m aware. I mean, we still don’t really know as we haven’t received the medical report! We are also still waiting to meet the foster carer and the medical advisor but apparently it’s the medical advisor who is holding things up. I don’t know how LO’s social worker is going to get the paperwork done in time for the panel date in a few weeks time!

Back to normal life

After an intense weekend of thinking about children, my beloved told Denise which child we would be matched with. We have now left it to Denise to work her magic with the child’s social worker. The child’s social worker would like us to be matched as soon as possible as she is quite young which we are very happy to do! We do have to wait for her medical though so I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, particularly after last time. So it’s difficult trying to get back to real life again, going to work and thinking about other things. It feels like we have been in some surreal time warp thing and have been plonked back into real life. Now all we can do is wait.

Matching – it’s like buses, you wait ages for one and then suddenly…

Two come at once! For months we have been enquiring about children and getting really down-hearted as we didn’t hear back from the social workers, only to see the children ‘advertised’ in adoption magazines. Now suddenly, social workers for two different children want to meet us. I think our social worker arranged it so the visits were on a consecutive days, just like last time.

The visits went okay, the first one was for a little girl and the second one was for a little boy. They were roughly the same age and sort of came from the same background. They are both dual heritage and we could have easily adopted both of them. The girl’s social workers were really keen on us and told us the reasons why they chose us. They asked us quite a few questions but it wasn’t really a grilling as we have experienced before. However, the boy’s social workers didn’t really ask any questions and didn’t really show us any interest. It felt really odd and then when they were told that we were considering another child, they became really angry and inappropriate even though they hadn’t said if they wanted us to proceed. The girl’s social workers were naturally disappointed but didn’t show any anger! However, both sets of workers understood that we needed time to think about it and we would let them know.

It was a terrible weekend. We agonized over it and talked ourselves in circles about the two children. We talked to our friends and family (whilst maintaining confidentiality of the children) and tried to think of the children by themselves rather than comparing both of them and tried to ignore the rapport of the social workers (or the lack of it). We thought about the needs of the children and what they might possibly feel if they had us as parents in terms of identity and ethnicity. What was muddling our thoughts was the anxiety of what happened last time: choosing a child and the match falling through. At that time, we definitely chose the right child but it was upsetting when it fell through, knowing that we had turned down another child. However, we had to divorce ourselves of the past and think about the child only.

Some people suggested we get more information and that was what we were going to do. However, the more we thought about it and talked about it from various perspectives, the more our heart had made up its mind. In the end, we decided on the little girl (who I’ll call LO for little one). It was a horrible thing to do but something we had to do to ensure that we had chosen the right child.

 

How to survive the matching process

I read somewhere that the matching process is very difficult. This is definitely true. As an adopter, the control is really out of your hands. You can try and help yourself by looking for children on Children Who Wait or Be My Parent or on AdoptionLink. However, it still boils down to the social workers being proactive themselves by listening to you and contacting a child’s social worker. The child’s social worker then weighs up whether they think you would be a good match for their child. Then the long drawn out wait to hear if they do, then a home visit and more visits. It’s a trying time for any person’s patience. Waiting to start a family and putting your life on hold is a terrible thing to feel and can be very frustrating. I’ve noticed that before we went on holiday, my posts were getting increasingly negative. We were definitely reaching the end of our tether which is why we went on holiday.

So to stop being negative and letting this process dragging me down, I have been doing a few things. Firstly, I started another blog about reading. It’s completely unrelated to adoption and it’s nice to write other things for a change. Secondly, I’ve unofficially started doing the 100 days challenge in which you have to find something positive every day for 100 days. I say unofficially because I do not have a Facebook account or a Twitter account or any other social media account apart from this one and I didn’t want to bore anyone else with a third blog.

In terms of preparing for a little one, we had our nephews to stay over a weekend without the parents. A social worker told us that matching panels like it if potential adopters have had children stay with them in their house. It was a daunting prospect to have two boisterous boys running around but everything went okay and it made me feel more confident that I could be a parent after all.

As I said in my last post, we are trying to save up some money too so hopefully our finances won’t be too damaged when we get a little one. I am also trying to get into shape (very slowly – it’s a long term project!) so I will have more energy running after a small person.

So there you go, my survival tips for this horrendous process. I’ve only recently started this tips myself but I think they’re helping.

Hopefully soon

Hello again. We are back from our holidays, feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the matching process again. Unfortunately not much has happened on that front so far. We have had some interest and are waiting to hear back about a couple of children. In the meantime, we are going to save up some money to prepare ourselves for a little one and hope that we will be matched with a child soon.

I’ll blog again when there is more news to tell you. Hopefully soon.