Two come at once! For months we have been enquiring about children and getting really down-hearted as we didn’t hear back from the social workers, only to see the children ‘advertised’ in adoption magazines. Now suddenly, social workers for two different children want to meet us. I think our social worker arranged it so the visits were on a consecutive days, just like last time.
The visits went okay, the first one was for a little girl and the second one was for a little boy. They were roughly the same age and sort of came from the same background. They are both dual heritage and we could have easily adopted both of them. The girl’s social workers were really keen on us and told us the reasons why they chose us. They asked us quite a few questions but it wasn’t really a grilling as we have experienced before. However, the boy’s social workers didn’t really ask any questions and didn’t really show us any interest. It felt really odd and then when they were told that we were considering another child, they became really angry and inappropriate even though they hadn’t said if they wanted us to proceed. The girl’s social workers were naturally disappointed but didn’t show any anger! However, both sets of workers understood that we needed time to think about it and we would let them know.
It was a terrible weekend. We agonized over it and talked ourselves in circles about the two children. We talked to our friends and family (whilst maintaining confidentiality of the children) and tried to think of the children by themselves rather than comparing both of them and tried to ignore the rapport of the social workers (or the lack of it). We thought about the needs of the children and what they might possibly feel if they had us as parents in terms of identity and ethnicity. What was muddling our thoughts was the anxiety of what happened last time: choosing a child and the match falling through. At that time, we definitely chose the right child but it was upsetting when it fell through, knowing that we had turned down another child. However, we had to divorce ourselves of the past and think about the child only.
Some people suggested we get more information and that was what we were going to do. However, the more we thought about it and talked about it from various perspectives, the more our heart had made up its mind. In the end, we decided on the little girl (who I’ll call LO for little one). It was a horrible thing to do but something we had to do to ensure that we had chosen the right child.