After our visit to the foster carers and the medical advisor, we chatted to Denise to tell her that we were still interested. She tried to arrange the meeting between her and the James’ social worker but the manager who was supposed to chair the meeting cancelled the meeting as ‘something’ came up. Two more weeks passed by and we heard nothing from the social workers. I was getting a little suspicious as Denise was waiting to hear back on a date to meet. Today Denise rang me to inform me that the foster carers have decided to adopt James after all. I think that meeting us made them realise that James would be leaving them and clearly they had fallen for him (as I thought they had). To be honest, I was not surprised as we got the feeling that they loved him very much. Also, we came away feeling quite guilty about taking this little boy away from the only people who he created a secure attachment to. He is also 3.5 years which means he is old enough to know that he will be uprooted but too young to understand why. I was very understanding on the phone to Denise and asked her to ring my beloved as my beloved would ask me questions that I may not have the answers to. Shortly after, my beloved rang me and we talked about it. When she said that we were back at the beginning of our matching journey (which was 6 months ago), then the realisation hit me. I started crying on the phone as I realised that the little boy who we thought would be our son would never be. I also was upset about the prospect of having to go through the whole process again: finding a child, applying for the match, waiting to see if the social worker likes the look of you and justifying why we would be good parents. Needless to say, it was very distressing. My beloved was also very upset. I had to leave work and spend the day grieving for what never was. The dreams and hopes about being a mum to this particular little boy have been shattered and at this moment, it feels like we will never be parents. The awful thing is that we have to let our families and friends know (who are equally excited as us). We can’t face talking to them as we don’t feel strong enough to face their disappointment and anger so we have to email them instead, let it sink in and then talk to them later. We just can’t face them at the moment and need time alone to grieve as we have lost this idea of a son.