My beloved and I are having a difficult time of it at the moment. It’s is very difficult not to get excited and to contain our emotions about James potentially being our son. However, that little boy has crept into our hearts and minds and without noticing, I find myself thinking about him and what it would be like to have him in our lives.
I try to tell myself that the match may still not happen and try to keep a lid of how I feel. However, it is very difficult. On one hand, you need to think about a child being yours so you can imagine it and feel a connection but on the other hand, it leaves you completely exposed and vulnerable if for some reason, it does not happen.
These emotions are compounded by the fact that as the match feels so close, we are feeling more impatient with the process. All we can think about is when can we progress to meeting the boy? We feel very connected to this boy for reasons I can’t explain as I can’t really put it into words and we know that the process is in place to do things right but it can get very frustrating with the speed of how it is being done. It doesn’t help the fact that we have both been very busy at work and under a lot of pressure.
James’ social worker second opinion visit had been scheduled a couple of weeks after we had the first visit and we told Denise that we would do everything we can to take time off work. Once we did this, we were told that Denise couldn’t make it an was going to reschedule. This also was very annoying as we have done everything that social services have asked us no matter how intrusive or difficult it has been and it feels like this doesn’t get considered. So after another long frustrating weekend, we had to wait for an answer. I emailed Denise to see if we can go ahead with the visit on the original date as we have made plans to take time off work during a very busy period. She was going to see if she could get someone else to cover her whilst we have this visit. Fingers crossed.
However, I have realised that for some social workers, our case is just one of many and it is just work. However, for us, this is our life and potentially our child and so we obviously are going to be anxious and on tenderhooks for the next step. At times, this has helped me to accept that things take as long as it takes and then at other times, I get so angry and tired.